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LIAR.

There is a tiny voice screaming in my head, and that is what it says.  I cannot turn it off or tune it out.  Neither can I ignore the agony that is ripping me apart.

Don't call me beautiful.  Don't lie to my face like all the rest.

My Skin

I've never hated myself or where I came from until the past 24 hours showed me the mirror has been lying all of my life.  Looking at my face, I never saw what everyone else has been seeing this whole time, the colors and features of a thing to be used, not a human, not a woman, almost on par with the rest of the society I grew up in but not enough to actually count.  My grandmother didn't want my parents to get married because she was afraid the children would be treated differently.  Well she was right.  And the conversation last night was bitterly clear as I had never seen myself that way before, the way others saw me.

It will never matter how pretty I try to be, or how skinny I could push myself to be, or how much money I make, or how smart/talented I am, or how hard I try to be the best.  I will always be the one who is left, the one who is never chosen, all because I am a half breed.  And I never realized how significant or regrettable that would be... until now.

I don't fit in anywhere.  And I have become untouchable.

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here that I don't understand
Your face saying promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
Because I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Well contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
But I don't need them, no
I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm the slow dying flower
In the frost killing hour
Sweet turning sour and untouchable
Oh, I need the darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this
I need a lullaby
A kiss good night
Angel sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this
I'm the slow dying flower
In the frost-killing hour
Sweet turning sour and untouchable
Do you remember the way that you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored
Your face saying promises whispered like prayers
I don't need them...

A short pictorial representation of my entire life.  Please hold...

What others will always see:

What I am:

The Loudest Sound in the World...

...is Love unspoken.  But I cannot hear you now.  So I sadly wait for you to come back, but every second passes by like a Year in this missing of the Nearness of your Presence.  Where are you?

Good Luck, Chuck.

One thing that always made me sad once I realized the reality of it was the appalling similarity of my life to the premise of the movie Good Luck Chuck.  For those unfamiliar, the plot in summary is that this Chuck fellow has a curse laid on him in his early years that every girl he meets will find love with the next guy after him.  So, he gets to have lots and lots of sex as his fame grows for being the key to every woman's finding her true love, but then he meets this girl (Jess Alba, always a good choice) and decides he will hold off in hopes she will stay with him.

Minus the lots and lots of sex, this is basically true for my life.  I actually tallied it up the other day, and it was something like 14 guys or more (the ones that picky me even decided to notice or have an interest, otherwise it would probably be more) that are either married, in a long-term relationship on the way to marriage, or got engaged to the next girl after me.  Not every single guy that has breezed through my life, but hey 90% is still quite a high average.

So my question at this point is, why am I the one that is never chosen?  It would be great to believe God is solely shooing them away to keep me from ending up with the wrong one, a view I would have scoffed at until lately, but what is so wrong with me that I am always the rejected one?  God's hand aside (which yes probably has a lot to do with it), from a purely meritorial standpoint of my personal value alone, what is so off-putting to all of these guys that made them run screaming into the next girl's arms?  Or what was so amazing about them that made me so not worth sticking around for?

You know what, don't believe me, I'm going to count them up right now.  PCC Charlie, D Lucas, Madison, Micah, Jason B, Erik P, Sam, Dearest Hen, Bev, The Ex, Josh E, Chad, Zach, Naeem, Colombian, House, Fish, J-Dizzle, So Long, Blond Ryan, Greg, Alex... probably more if I really thought about it, but it's getting depressing and you see my point.  That's a 7 year time-span.

This does not include the 4 who went back to the ex (Brian L, David C, Austin, and someone else who escapes memory) or the 3 who told me they loved me in some random cathartic outburst right before they got engaged (Jossie, Marine, K-Hizzle).  Oh yeah, speaking of that, what the eff is up with THAT shit??  How do you decide to declare unspoken feelings for someone right before asking someone else to marry you?  And don't get me wrong, I am happy for those who have the wives they should be with and living their married lives, but just to know they thought about being with me, then chose someone else... I don't know.  It sucks.

So, I guess until the path is clear, I revolve in this perpetual single state.  Maybe it's not so bad a place to be, as I could be married to some narcissistic, withdrawn, lazy wife abuser.  Still, at this point I feel like God is saying "Oh, you still want to be married?  Well good luck, Chuck."

Good luck indeed.